In our journey through life, we often encounter moments that leave us hurt or disappointed. These experiences can sometimes lead to grudges and resentment. As Christians, we are called to walk a path of forgiveness and love that mirrors the teachings and example of Jesus Christ. So, how do we genuinely find freedom from grudges and resentment?
The Burden of Grudges
Negative emotions such as anger and bitterness can develop when someone hurts you by saying or doing something offensive. It can be extremely challenging to forgive and let go of these hurts. Feelings of resentment can linger, weighing you down and making your heart feel heavy.
A study published by Springer Link confirms that “Bearing grudges is associated with a history of pain disorders, cardiovascular disease, and stomach ulcers.” Holding grudges and resentment can result in a higher risk of various diseases, heart attacks, high blood pressure, arthritis, back pain, headaches, and chronic pain. In addition, the anger from resentment can cause mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.
Holding onto a grudge is like carrying a heavy backpack filled with stones. Every time we encounter someone who has wronged us, that burden becomes heavier. We may feel justified in our resentment, but it is a weight that impacts our spiritual, emotional, and even physical well-being. In Ephesians 4:31-32 (NKJV), the Apostle Paul advises us: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” This passage reminds us that forgiveness is not just a suggestion; it is a command rooted in the very nature of God’s love for us. The act of forgiveness releases us from the chains of resentment and aligns our hearts with the heart of Christ.
Understanding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a central theme in Christianity. It is more than a one-time act; it is a lifestyle that reflects our understanding of the grace we have received from God. The ultimate model of forgiveness is Jesus himself, who, even while on the cross, prayed for those who crucified him, saying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34 NKJV). Jesus taught us in the Lord’s Prayer to ask for forgiveness and to forgive others: “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12 NKJV). This prayer emphasizes the reciprocal nature of forgiveness. Just as we seek God’s forgiveness, we are to extend forgiveness to those who have wronged us. Forgiveness is not about condoning the wrong or forgetting the hurt; it is about releasing the power that past wrongs have over us and entrusting justice to God.
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness has profound healing effects on both the forgiver and the forgiven. Letting go of grudges frees us from the toxic emotions that can hinder our relationship with God and others. Research even suggests that forgiveness can lead to improved mental health, reduced stress, and a greater sense of peace. Consider the story of Joseph in the Old Testament. After being betrayed by his brothers, sold into slavery, and wrongly imprisoned, Joseph had every reason to hold a grudge. Yet, when he rose to power in Egypt and encountered his brothers again, he chose to forgive them. Joseph’s words in Genesis 50:20 (NKJV) highlight his perspective: “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive.” Joseph recognized that God’s purpose transcended the harm he had suffered. His forgiveness led to reconciliation and healing within his family, demonstrating that God’s grace can transform even the deepest wounds.
Why Do We Struggle to Let Go?
A 2021 analysis by researchers explored why we hold on to resentment, finding that self-esteem is often a factor. Humans need validation, meaning we want others to agree with our actions or beliefs. Not receiving validation can result in feelings of inferiority, leading to defensiveness and difficulty forgiving others. Some people make a willful decision to not forgive, while others are hampered by emotional pain, making it seem impossible to let go. At times, people who have not come to a place of forgiveness may have a longer latency period, meaning it takes them more time to comprehend the incident and arrive at a meaningful response. The hurt exists but has not been identified yet – allowing the bad feelings to become overwhelming.
Strategies for Moving Forward
It is in your best interest to move past the hurtful words or actions of others to protect your spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. Thankfully, there are strategies that can help you recover from hurt and break free from grudges and resentment.
The following are strategies that may help:
1.) Bible Study and Prayer
Bible study and prayer offer an opportunity to recognize pain while acknowledging that forgiveness does not originate with us. Reading about God’s intervention in the lives of others who have gone through difficult circumstances can provide comfort and remind us of God’s power and willingness to work on our behalf. Bible reading can give peace of mind and improve self-acceptance, also reducing stress. Reflect on God’s grace by prayerfully considering the forgiveness and mercy that God has shown you. Recognize that none of us are perfect, and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). God’s love and grace provide us with a model for forgiving others. Pray for guidance, for the strength and wisdom to forgive those who have hurt you. Ask the Holy Spirit to work in your heart, softening any bitterness and opening you to the possibility of reconciliation. Prayer calms negative thoughts and restores a positive focus.
2.) Practice Forgiveness
Consciously decide to let go of the grudge. This might involve having a conversation with the person, writing a letter you will never send, or simply releasing the situation in prayer. Remember, forgiveness is a process that may take time, but each step toward letting go is a step toward freedom. Be aware of the emotions you are feeling and recognize how those feelings are impacting your physical and mental health, and your behavior. Accept the feelings and the situation that occurred. You are in control now, not the person that caused the event. Through Jesus, you have the power to forgive and move on with your life.
3.) Be Compassionate
The person who caused you to feel distressed may have issues that affect their behavior, such as low self-esteem, a troubled relationship, or the death of a loved one. Think about your past interactions with the person. Are they typically pleasant and non-confrontational? Is their behavior different now than in the past? Being empathetic and kind can help you develop a willingness to forgive. Sometimes, understanding the motives or circumstances behind someone’s actions can help ease resentment. Try to see the situation from their perspective and empathize with their struggles.
4.) Self-Distancing
Research by psychologists Ozlem Ayduk and Ethan Kross found that self-distancing can be beneficial in overcoming the negative feelings caused by grudges and resentment. Self-distancing entails thinking about the situation from a third-person perspective rather than an active participant perspective. Pretend you are watching actors in a movie replaying the situation that occurred. This technique can help you see the “big picture,” increasing your ability to cope with the past and have a broader perspective on the event.
5.) Focus on the Future
Instead of dwelling on past hurts, focus on the future and the opportunities for growth and healing. Trust that God is working all things together for your good (Romans 8:28).
6.) Surround Yourself with Support
Seek support from your church community, friends, a counselor, or coach who can offer guidance and prayer as you navigate the journey of forgiveness.
Living in the Freedom of Forgiveness
When we forgive, we emulate Christ and experience the true freedom that comes from living in accordance with His teachings. Forgiveness does not mean that we forget the pain or ignore the need for justice. Instead, it is about releasing the hold that resentment has on our lives and allowing God to heal and restore us. By forgiving, we not only free ourselves but also become examples of God’s love in the world. Our actions can inspire others to embrace forgiveness, creating a ripple effect that extends beyond our personal interactions. As we strive to follow Jesus’ example, let us remember the words of Colossians 3:13 (NKJV): “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if any of you has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” In choosing to forgive, we find true liberation from grudges and resentment, stepping into a life filled with peace, joy, and the unending love of God. Let us walk this path of forgiveness, reflecting the heart of Christ in all we do.
Conclusion
It is human nature to be angry, sad, or upset when someone’s words or actions are hurtful. Holding onto anger and resentment is harmful to your health and well-being, so, while it can be difficult to forgive and move on, it is in your best interest to do so. With the help of Jesus, it is possible to be free!
References
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00127-009-0054-0
https://abbymedcalf.com/the-key-to-letting-go-of-resentment/
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